Free Yourself from Mom Guilt Forever by Creating a Family Plan Today
Are you a goal-oriented working mom who has really struggled to be easy on yourself since becoming a mother? Do you constantly worry that you’re not progressing at work, your house is a mess and that you don’t spend enough time with your kids? You’re not alone! One of the biggest challenges that I see other working moms mention is feeling like they’re failing at everything.
Until this point in your life, you’ve probably been pursuing a mental checklist of accomplishments. Now that you’ve ticked most of them off, it’s time to break free of the checklist and envision what you want the rest of your life to look like. It doesn’t have to include “being good at everything” and that’s a wonderful feeling.
In this season of life, defining your values and creating a family plan can help you identify your next set of life goals.
A Checklist of Life Goals
If you’re like me, you probably had a sort of unofficial mental checklist of life goals that you came up with in college. Mine looked something like this.
I accomplished all of those things, and that felt great. But many of the items on that list aren’t things that you finish after you attain them. In fact, with the exception of school, everything on that life list is along-term commitment. The work actually begins when you reach the goal!
If you’re like me, you have two kids, a husband, a house and a job, all demanding your best every day. You quickly realize that the day only has so many hours. You simply can’t be an amazing professional, perfect mom, domestic diva and attentive partner without sacrificing your own health. Don’t do it!!
The First Step: Acceptance
Discrete Challenges vs Long Term Commitments
For the first 20+ year, school is your main focus. The great thing about school is that it’s well-defined. Graduate from college is actually a goal that is over when you reach it.
On the other hand, post-college goals start when you reach them. The real work starts on the day you get married, accept a promotion or give birth. Those goals aren’t really goals at all – they’re big, scary, exciting, hard commitments. When you’re used to well-defined objectives, like school, it can be hard to adjust your mindset.
It’s Impossible to Do It All
When you’re feeling like a failure, the first step is simply to acknowledge that you cannot do everything yourself. You do not have the time or mental energy to do it all, and you certainly can’t do it to the level you might have expected from yourself in the past. You must get used to this.
Think of it this way: When you started your first job out of college, even if you worked 60 hours a week you had plenty of time to pursue your hobbies, exercise and do your chores on evenings and weekends. You probably lived in a smaller house or an apartment, and only had to pick up after yourself.
You now may be in the season of life with a lot more commitments. In addition to a job with more responsibilities, you have kids to parent. You might have a larger house that’s harder to keep clean (because, ahem, kids) and the laundry is certainly a (MUCH) bigger chore. On top of all that, you still want to make sure to connect with your spouse and spend time with yourself.
Unfortunately, even though you have more to do than ever before, the day has not helped you out. Nope, it still only has 24 hours. Realize that time and your own energy simply cannot expand. Acknowledge that you can no longer do it all because “it” is so much bigger now.
Take Stock of Your Values
Now that you have a family, it’s a great time to sit down and reflect on what you truly value. Do you value lots of unstructured family time? Is travel important to you? Maybe proximity to extended family matters to you, or accomplishing your professional goals. You might want to retire early, achieve financial security or give back to your community. Perhaps you want to homeschool your kids or really focus on your marriage or become an environmental activist.
During this exercise, recognize that some values may be mutually exclusive. For example, if you want to get promoted at work and spend more time with your kids, it simply may not be possible. If you want to have a beautifully decorated house but also work toward early retirement, those two goals might not be compatible – at least not at the same time. You’ll have to prioritize when you see conflicting goals.
Make a Long-Term Plan
After thinking really hard about your values over days, weeks or months, it’s time to think about how to put those values into action. This long-term plan can take as many different forms as there are stars in the sky. The key to a great plan is to put it together in collaboration with your family.
More than anything, this should be your family’s shared vision for the future. Your partner should play an integral role in this process. If your kids are old enough, it’s great to include them too. But keep in mind that you and your partner are the ones who are guiding the family and you get the final say. Don’t let your kids sway you into putting something in the plan when you don’t feel right about it. You have at least two decades of experience on them, so trust your gut.
Keep in mind that many things can be changed in time, like jobs, cars, house and where you live. Be bold enough to really think outside the box. Imagine what you want your future to look like without worrying about how you will get there. That will come later!
Also make sure that your plan reflects your highest priority values. You may not be able to fully realize those values right now, so make sure that your long-term vision does prioritize them. This will be what keeps you going when it gets tough and you feel like you’re failing.
Plan for Today
You know what you value and what you’re working toward for the future. Now it’s time to link all that up with reality. Structure your life to make decisions that move you toward your long-term plan while also honoring your values today.
It may take some serious sacrifice and some tough decisions to realize your long-term vision. If you feel strongly enough about it, though, today’s efforts will be worthwhile. At the same time, it’s important to honor your values today as much as possible, so you feel good about your choices. Remember, it’s about happiness on the journey – not necessarily about the destination itself.
The Antidote to Fear of Missing Out
When you get FOMO, remind yourself of your values and your plan. You might be jealous of your friend’s perfectly decorated house, until you remember that your family is saving aggressively for early retirement. It’s easy to doubt yourself when you miss out on a promotion at work, until you remember that you’re choosing to slow down your career progress in order to spend more time with the kids. When your decisions are based on a plan, you’re much less likely to feel that you need to do everything.
You’ll be able to choose how to use your limited time, resources and energy in a way that adds the most value to you and your family. This framework will help you prioritize and give you the discipline to say no to things that don’t align.
Put It All Together
When a goal-oriented woman becomes a mom, it can be really hard to cope with the fact that there aren’t enough hours in the day to be great at everything. We constantly feel like we’re failing and falling behind. The trick isn’t to try to keep up, though. Instead, use your list of values when creating a family plan and executing your vision. You’ll gain a sense of calm that can only come from living a life of purpose.
