Worried you’re not bonding with your second baby? It might just be completely normal.

It’s totally normal to be fearful when you’re expecting your second child. How will you ever be able to love another child as much as you love the one that’s currently in your arms? Will you be able to bond with your second baby? There’s a ton of reassurance out there for second time moms. “Your heart will expand to make room,” they say. That’s true, and it’s a great message. It’s also an incomplete message. From my experience, I think there’s a little more to the message for second-time moms.

You’ll love them both beyond anything you’ve ever imagined – but you might love your children differently, and that’s ok.

I totally recognize that every mother has a her own personal experience that is completely unique to her. I hope that by sharing my story as a mother of two, I can inspire you to look at your own motherhood with new eyes and to give yourself grace when you question yourself.

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Becoming a Mom

When I was pregnant with my first, motherhood was an abstract concept to me. Of course, I wanted a healthy pregnancy and baby. I wanted to be a mom, but I didn’t really know what that meant. Not yet. I went about my business, finishing grad school, working and going to the gym. I was so focused on finishing my dissertation that I barely bought any baby stuff until the third trimester. In fact, I refused to enter Babies R Us until 20 weeks or so. I obviously wasn’t sure if I was really ready. It all seemed so overwhelming!

Then, my daughter arrived at 36 weeks. It was a snowy night and my husband was out of town for work. I started feeling weird, and 12 hours later I had a baby in my arms. To say I was a little stunned would be the world’s biggest understatement. What the heck had just happened? I’ll admit that the first few hours after my daughter was born were a blur. They whisked her off (to the nursery? for testing? still don’t know) and breakfast was brought in. Hospital food has never tasted so good. I ate some eggs and sausage, and at some point they brought my daughter back to me and we went to a postpartum room.

Throughout the day, family, friends (and my husband!) slowly started arriving. My husband had taken the red eye home while I was in labor, and some lovely flight attendants gave him some airplane bottles of champagne. When everyone had gathered, we announced our daughter’s name and toasted with the warm champagne. It’s still one of my favorite memories.

Later that day (or maybe it was the next day?) a nurse came to give my baby the infant hearing test. It’s completely standard, but I was terrified of the test because I have hearing loss. I was an emotional new mom and was afraid that I’d passed on my hearing issues to her somehow. When they brought my daughter back from the test, the nurse’s face was serious. “She’s failed the test,” the nurse said. She said some other things, but I didn’t hear.

In retrospect, I know logically that this was not really a big deal. Lots of babies fail the test because it’s so hard to test the hearing of a wiggly newborn. And even if she did have hearing loss, what’s the big deal? Technology is great and we would deal with it.

But in that moment, the idea that my baby had a challenge, any challenge, unlocked a flood of emotions I had not known existed.

That was the moment I became a mom. Years later, I realize this:

My oldest was the one who made me a mom, and I started loving her all at once.

I’ve Always Known You

My oldest was around 1.5 when I found out I was pregnant with number 2. I was thrilled from the start. It was different this time. I knew exactly how it felt to be a mom, to cuddle a newborn, and to watch a baby grow into a toddler. The second time around, I couldn’t wait for my baby to arrive.

I worried constantly when I was pregnant for the second time. It was like I knew what I had to lose this time around and I was incredibly paranoid about every little thing. I was a nervous wreck before every round of testing and before each ultrasound, convinced that there was going to be some issue. This was not the most fun time, but I knew that I was acting differently this time because I already felt like a mom to my unborn baby.

My second child came right on time, but when she was ready she was ready. My labor with her was three hours from the first contraction to her birth. After my daughter was born, she was with me at all times. I kept her in the room overnight, instead of sending her to the nursery. I gave birth to her unmedicated so my mind was totally clear before, during and after. We did everything “right” for some intense mom and baby bonding.

And, yet, when I got home from the hospital I realized that this felt different. I’d never had that rush of emotion for my second like I remembered from my first baby. I’d heard over and over that second-time moms felt this amazing love for their children after giving birth. I just felt shell-shocked.

At the same time, I was totally obsessed with my new daughter. I carried her everywhere, loved nursing her and barely let anyone else hold her. It was…complicated.

It took me years to unpack all of those emotions. What I finally came to realize, was this:

My youngest and I always knew each other. From the moment I first felt her kick, I started loving her. I didn’t need that rush of emotion because I knew her, and loved her, from the beginning.

How do you adjust to having two kids?

One of my biggest goals was to stay active with my older daughter even while taking care of a baby. One of the most important things to me was to give them opportunities to bond. Big sister LOVED helping me give baby a bath. We used a bath seat to prop up the baby in the bathtub. This is still one of my favorite memories of the time right after my second daughter was born.

I also tried to make sure we never said “no” to a playground trip or walk because of the baby. We tried a few different transportation options. I really loved my Mountain Buggy Terrain single stroller and considered getting a double, but thought it would be too wide. I ended up using babywearing for the baby and the stroller for big sister almost always.

I’m pretty sure I’m an expert at babywearing at this point, but I have a few favorite holders:

• Tula Mesh Soft Structured Carrier: These are by far the most secure and easy to use. You can carry baby in front or back. I highly recommend a soft structured carrier when you are doing a lot of moving and bending over. The mesh makes a heavier carrier more breathable and the seat is adjustable for baby through toddler.
• Linen Ring Sling: When it’s super hot, a linen ring sling is great because it only has one layer of fabric. I never quite got the hang of adjusting them but I’d use a ring sling frequently as extra support and coverage when nursing at a restaurant or playground.

It was fun to involve big sister in playing with baby sometimes, too. My oldest enjoyed playing with the toys on a baby play gym. It would make her sister giggle. Warm fuzzies for all!

Different Emotions are OK

I think moms often feel guilty when they think of or treat their children differently. At first, you might be afraid that you’re not bonding with your second baby like you did with your first.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from having two kids, it’s that every child is different. The parenting approach that works with one child usually doesn’t work with the other. They like to keep things interesting! So it’s only logical that we don’t feel exactly the same about each of our children. Each child is different and unique, and we as moms can love each of them in a different and unique way. That’s not just OK – it’s what they need as little people!

That being said, if you feel that you’re unable to connect with your child at all, or are struggling in other aspects of your life, please talk to your doctor or a loved one. Postpartum depression is incredibly common, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.