In the Blink of An Eye: Experienced Moms Share the Joys and Challenges of Parenting Teenagers

When you’re in deep with young kids, it’s so easy (and totally understandable!) to default to survival mode. You have to change diapers, wash bottles, discipline toddlers, make dinner, go to work and do almost everything for the little people you adore. It seems like they’ll never sleep. Never be potty trained. Never grow up.

But they will. And it won’t take very long.

Today I’m super excited to share the collective wisdom of three talented friends, all of whom are moms to older kids. They’ll tell you what’s great about parenting teenagers, what’s challenging and what they wish they’d known when they were where you are now. I love that they each have a slightly different take on parenting. I know that this wisdom will help you look ahead – for a brief moment – to imagine what life will look like in your house in just a few short years.

I am not exaggerating when I say that these words brought me to tears. Enjoy!

Tonya: Mom to Kids Aged 15 and 12

About Tonya

Tonya is a consultant by day. On her site, Mealtime Medley, she helps you learn to feed your people with easy, healthy and delicious recipes. Tonya is mom to two kids – a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. I guarantee that Tonya’s words will touch your heart. 

How did these kids get so big?

Last week I was sitting on the couch with my 15-year-old daughter when I saw her two-year old toddler face staring back at me. Literally. I blinked a couple of times and, as the image cleared, it struck me how quickly we move from preschool and tricycles to driver’s ed and learning permits.

The thing is, when you’re handed these babies and then go through the toddler stages, you have this vague idea that they’re going to grow up.  Someday. But it seems so far off in the future that you don’t put all that much stock in the thought. Now, knowing that in a couple of years I’ll send my oldest off to college, I sometimes take a bit of time to reflect on how far we really have come.

What has been most surprising about parenting teenagers?

There will come a day when you can’t help your kids with their homework anymore.

I have a Master’s degree and I can’t do 7th grade math.  This is humbling.

Tween boys eat a lot of food.  I mean A LOT.

When I started a 529 Plan for my son, I wish someone had told me that I should open a separate account to fund our grocery bill 12 years later.  One day your grocery bill will suddenly double and leftovers will begin disappearing in the middle of the night.

You will actually begin to crave time with your kids.

Let’s be honest, we love our kids, but small children can be exhausting. And I remember the days when I’d give anything for some alone time.  As your children get older, and especially as they enter high school, they really do have lives of their own. Friends, sports, and activities have begun to fill their nights and weekends and sometimes I find myself fighting to claim a little bit of that time for myself.

Tweens and teens are still your babies, just in bigger bodies.

With young kids, it’s a given that you’re constantly keeping an eye on them, giving cuddles, and kissing boos. I assumed that these things would sort of dissipate with time, but they really haven’t.  I still keep constant dibs on my kids, even if many times it means tracking their cell phones. We also still cuddle up on the couch for movie nights and I still tuck everyone into bed. They may be bigger, but they still need us in a lot of the same ways they did when they were younger.

What are the most rewarding parts of raising older kids?

You slowly but surely see your children turn into the people they were meant to me.

When our kids are little, we begin to get glimpses of their personality and talents and make predictions about the kind of people they will be when they’re older.  As your kids head into the tween and teen years, those traits and talents really begin to take hold and solidify. Watching your kids’ personalities form is like having a front row seat to the greatest show on earth…. comedy, drama, and infomercial all rolled into one!

You will take so much pride in their accomplishments

I’ve always loved watching my kids participate in activities, whether on a sports field or a school performance.   When they are little, it’s adorable and you’re so proud of them for getting up there and doing their best.

These days, when I watch my son make a play on the soccer field that I know years of practice and dedication went into perfecting, my heart swells with pride.  When I watch my daughter perform a solo that she’s spent months making sure is technically perfect, I tear up. Watching your children excel at activities they’ve spent years practicing and perfecting will induce a pride you won’t have words for.

What do you wish you’d known when they were small?

You really will wish that you’d taken the time to write more things down.

When my kids were little, everyone told me to write down all of the cute things they said and did.  I was way too busy changing diapers and chasing toddlers to listen, plus I KNEW I’d remember. Not so much. Sometimes I rack my brain trying to remember exactly which word it was my daughter always mixed up in that adorable way when she sang “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”.

What’s your advice for parents of young kids?

I know it’s an old adage “the days are long, but the years are short”, but it really is spot on.  Eventually, you will begin to count time in school years, and boy do they fly by. Your little people will turn into big people before your very eyes.  Every stage is awesome and different yet similar. So, relax, take it all in, and remember to write down that really funny thing your two-year old just said.

Grandi: Mom to Kids Ages 24, 16, 14 and 12

About Grandi

Grandi is a busy mom of four. She’s all about making our mom lives easier, 20 minutes at a time, over at The 20 Minute Mom. Grandi emphasizes connection over perfection every day. She’s mom to four kids: daughters who are 24 and 16 and sons who are 14 and 12! I love love LOVE Grandi’s real talk about those tough conversations that come with parenting high school kids.

What has been the biggest surprise about parenting teenagers?

It has been different for each of my kids.  

First, learning to let go is a huge challenge.  

You always want the best for your kids and you want them to be happy, safe, well adjusted and have the best opportunities and experiences.  And when you see something happen to them, what I like to call “Hurricane Mom” kick in. (My husband calls me a hurricane because I have a tendency to run over anything that gets in my way when I want something).

I have always been a very involved mom – classroom mom, on the Board of the parent organizations, team mom, volunteer for all. the. things.  

Dealing with different personalities, teachers not wanting to hear from parents, but wanting their students to reach out on their own to learn responsibility and accountability, has been a huge part of it.  I am still working on this with my 2 oldest who are in 10th and 11th grade. Just yesterday I emailed a teacher about a missing assignment for my 10th grader. (This teacher dealt with “Hurricane Mom” last year so he already knows how I can be – so he very graciously reached out to me almost immediately after I sent my email.  Good thing? Maybe.)

My 6th grader just started a new school – a public arts magnet school that is completely digital.  He was in a private school from 1st – 5th grades that has one class per grade and no technology, no art, and no changing classes.  Helping him adjust to the technology has been the most difficult transition for him this year. He is not used to having to look on 3 or 4 different platforms for the assignments and this is a real struggle.  

As for struggles with high school kids – we are blessed.  Our kids are well adjusted and we keep open lines of communication with them so that has really helped.

We are ‘strict, or old-fashioned’ parents in a sense when it comes to technology, dating, and our kids.  My husband and I also both have very different parenting styles so this definitely has its benefits and its challenges.

Driving

Our 16 year old daughter does not have a car and she doesn’t even have her driving permit.  Until she can learn to safely pay attention to her surroundings and learn to focus, we will not allow her to drive alone.  She has taken drivers ed and she will be getting her permit in the next month. We just don’t believe in giving a kid their license on their 16th birthday (which I did and I still suck at driving to this day).

We do not allow our children to ride in the car with other children unless 1) we know them very well and find them responsible and 2) we have actually seen them drive.

Dating

We don’t allow our kids to date until they are in their 2nd semester of their Junior Year.  We also don’t let them go to Homecoming or Prom until their Junior Year. I know – you’re booing me right now, and that’s okay.  

Why?  Aside from the fact that we were teenage parents, the world today is so much different than it was way back when.

For me, it has been very difficult to even adjust to the fact that my kids are growing up and that my 2 high schoolers know way more about sex and dating than I am ready for – because I am one of those super-protective moms who can’t wrap her brain around the fact that her kids are growing up.  Think of an ostrich with her head in the sand. That’s me. And it’s wrong.

My husband is this rock star dad who has conversations with them about the realities of dating in today’s world and here I am stuck in the old days.

So I have had to overcome my own denial and embarrassment (because I mean really – who WANTS to have conversations with their kids about sex?  When you really think about what that means, it’s pretty awkward).

I am starting to be able to have conversations about dating and who likes who and they are starting to include me in some of these conversations, or at least the re-cap (because they know I want to know, but Dad is WAY better about the conversations than I am – and that’s okay).  

What is the most rewarding thing about older kids?

Having open conversations with my kids is by far the most rewarding part of parenting older kids.  Even though I may be uncomfortable with having certain conversations, no matter what, I am open with my kids.  I tell my kids that even if I am not totally comfortable with a conversation, it’s okay. I am open to talking with them and I WANT to talk to them.  What they have to say is important. As a result of that, we have lots of conversations that I may not be totally ready for, but that happen because I am open. They know I will not judge them, I will tell them my honest opinion, and that I don’t have to agree with them and they do not have to agree with me.  They know that no matter what they tell me I will still accept them and I will love them. And that seems to work. So far. 😉

Is there anything you would have done differently when your kids were younger, knowing what you know now?

Oh yes, absolutely.  I would have worried less about being their friend and more about being their parent.  My 14 year old is EXACTLY like me (jokes too much and really wants to be liked to the point that he is awkward at times) and I would have been a better parent had I disciplined him rather than telling my husband “oh, it’s okay – he will grow out of it”.  He’s 14 and he still hasn’t grown out of joking too much, being too social, and not knowing when to joke and when to work. Now, because I FAILED to teach him the proper behavior, this is a constant struggle for us.

Being a parent is the #1 most difficult, yet #1 most rewarding job in the entire world.  Your kids will love you if you love them. Treat them with respect, hold them accountable, and make sure they know that no matter what it is, they can come to you and talk to you without having to hide anything.  

Jenny – Mom of a daughter aged 9

About Jenny

What’s the most surprising thing about parenting older kids?

The most surprising challenge for me is not being ready for how quickly they grow up. Physically, we all look at our kids and think “Look how tall she got… look how grown up he is!” but what we are not prepared for is how fast their little brains grow up. I was NOT prepared for all the life questions my 9 year old would be asking me. I think all kids get to a point where they ask about God or the universe and how things work. But when my daughter turned 8, she started asking me personal questions like how much money I make, or how much our house cost.

She wanted to know things about my family and friends. Who I liked or didn’t like and why. There are days I would start to answer her questions and then have to catch myself. It’s almost like having a conversation with another adult and I have to really remind myself she’s still a kid. And that some things need to be censored. Her dad and I are not together anymore and in the last year or so, she wants to know details about why and what happened. She’s even asked specific questions like did he hit you, did you cheat on him? Things that did not happen in our marriage and things we never talked about… but somehow she knew what these things meant. And I was caught very unprepared!

You never want to lie to your kids, but how do you answer personal questions you know they are not ready for? And even when I tried the whole “One day when you’re older” or “That’s just a personal thing for mommy”… her response was “Mom, come on, I’m your daughter… you can tell me anything!”  I mean, how could I come up with a rebuttal for that when I tell her the same thing all the time! You worry about bullying and friendships and school grades… but no one ever told me to watch out for how fast their minds mature!

What’s the most rewarding thing about parenting older kids?

Every year kids get older, they become more and more fun. They can do more things with you, go more places, and enjoy more experiences. So it’s probably no surprise that I say these middle school years are one of my favorite times. I love that my daughter has turned into a buddy. Yeah yeah, we have to be parents to our kids and not friends. But I don’t believe that at all. I think you can be both. And as she moved into the middle school years, we have a great bond and love hanging out together.

I think we are in a great stage where she is old enough to enjoy experiences with me and be independent, but also young enough to still want to hang out with her mom. I’m trying to cram in as much traveling these days as I can. The more she learns about our country, the more she wants to see places. And I’m happy to travel with her to places like New York City, Mount Rushmore, Miami, the Grand Canyon, etc. Once they learn about all this in school, they are more excited to travel to these places then you are!

Not only do we get to have trips together, but she is actually learning history. And I get to be her teacher. She went from being a little kid I just took on my travels, to having input about where we go and what we do. And the best part is, she’s old enough now to remember it all. So every day with a middle schooler is a day you’ll know they will remember you by. Which makes parenting a lot more rewarding.

Is there anything you would have done differently, knowing what you know now?

Oh yes! I wish I would have stuck to the rules a lot better when she was young. Or heck, set more rules! A lot of times when they are toddlers, you think you just want to get through the day. Make sure they survive and so do you! So you don’t worry about screen time, or punishments. I wish I would have been more consistent about screen time so that now as a middle schooler, my daughter wouldn’t fight me as much when I try to limit it.

Same goes for chores. Man I wish I would have given her chores since the day she started walking! Even if it was picking up toys, or wiping a table. I look back and think I did WAY too much for her and now at 9 years old, it’s almost impossible to get her to do chores around the house without whining and complaining. I wish I would have made chores a standard since day one. And the chore list should have just grown as she grew too.

Soak It In

Moms, if you’re deep in the messiness of parenting young kids, remember these words. It really can seem endless – but it’s not – and maybe (just maybe) the knowledge that this phase is fleeting will give you the strength to pat one more back, to soothe one more skinned knee, to cuddle one more minute. I already have a bit of a preview. My oldest, 6, was born with the chubbiest little face I have ever seen. At six, she’s all elbows and knees and oh, how much more sweet her little sister’s chubby squeezes are when I know that soon they, too, will be a thing of the past.

I want to thank Tonya, Grandi and Jen again for sharing their insightful and unique takes on parenting teenagers. As a reminder, you can find these ladies at their own internet homes: Tonya at Mealtime Medley, Grandi at The 20 Minute Mom and Jenny at See Mama Go.