How to be Grateful in a World of Social Media, Mom Guilt and Constant Comparison

When I was in college, I loved reading fitness magazines. It was so inspiring to get workout ideas and healthy eating tips.

Then I started to notice something that I didn’t like.

I was usually pretty happy with my body and weight before the magazine arrived each month. But after I’d flipped through the pages of toned women doing squats and sipping seltzer, I didn’t feel too great about myself. I suddenly felt like I really needed to go on a diet and up my workouts.

I started to wonder about this. If I didn’t have an urge to change my body most of the time, why did I suddenly want to make myself over after reading those magazines? I realized that, instead of being fun and harmlessly inspiring, reading fitness magazines was creating doubt where there was none before. I was comparing myself to fitness models, and who’s going to win that contest?

Comparison is the thief of joy – Theodore Roosevelt

After I figured out that comparing myself to women in the pages of a magazine was doing me no good, I cut myself off. I haven’t read a fashion or fitness magazine since my early 20’s, and I don’t plan to go back. I don’t need other peoples’ expectations floating around in my head, and I’m a lot happier when I can focus on my own voice.

Learning how to be grateful for what you have will make you happier and more resilient. Best of all – it’s a skill you can develop.

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Comparison in Today’s World

Magazine circulation in the United States is significantly down since I was in my 20’s (ahem), but social media use is way, way up. Every time someone posts a beautifully styled vacation photo on Instagram, it’s hard not to compare. My vacations are usually significantly less…glamorous…than the photos I see on social media.

Whatever it is, social media seems to encourage comparison. I don’t pack my kids fancy lunches, I don’t make elaborate videos for the holidays and I pick our family photo outfits from clothes we already have (usually the night before). I’m totally happy with all of those choices, until I start comparing.

In fact, recent surveys indicate that social media negatively affects the way women view their bodies. In a survey of over 1,000 people, 88% of women said that they compare their bodies to images that they see in the media (65% of men say the same). And when women make that comparison, half of them said that their bodies compare unfavorably. Social media was also the most-cited factor in determining how women view their body.

Today, you can’t just cancel your magazine subscriptions. Social media pervades our society, and it’s hard to get away from. Comparison is inevitable, and it’s not good for women.

The Benefits of Gratitude

I think the antidote to all of this comparison is simple: gratitude.

Gratitude offers so many benefits. It can improve your psychological and physical health. People who practice gratitude actually experience fewer aches and pains and feel more healthy than those who don’t! Expressing gratitude helps us strengthen relationships with others. When we tell our partner how thankful we are for them, in a genuine way, we’re strengthening our marriage. A simple, heartfelt thank you to a friend can make your relationship that much stronger. And the great thing about improving our relationships is that it increases our happiness as well.

Gratitude is a critical tool for a happy family life. You can love your kids more than life itself, but sometimes…they can grate. Maybe they won’t stop fighting with each other, or they keep asking the same question over and over and over. There are days when you’re feeling grumpy from work and you take it out on your kid our spouse. Inevitably your child gets up for what seems like the 20th time after you put him to bed, when all you want to do is watch some damn Netflix. We’ve all been there.

The way to overcome these feelings isn’t hard. It’s simple. Be grateful.

Your kids are healthy enough to fight with each other.

You were able to have kids, period.

You and your spouse are fighting over whether to buy a new car, not over drugs or alcohol.

You weren’t able to conceive, so you adopted a child that you adore.

Everyone struggles but everyone can find joy, even if it’s just a tiny sliver some day. If your gratitude is small today, know that it will be bigger tomorrow or the next day.

How to be Grateful in Everyday Life

Humans actually aren’t wired to be grateful. The good news is that it’s a skill we can learn. So how can you add the practice of gratitude to your daily life?

Make it a Routine

This can be as simple as taking five minutes in the morning or before bed to think about what you’re grateful for. Make a mental list while you’re brushing your teeth, or write in a journal with your first cup of coffee. If you make gratitude a part of your day, it will become a habit.

Keep a List

Write a list of things you’re thankful for, and carry it with you. Keep a gratitude journal and write in it every day. Keep a list in Google Docs. However you decide to write down things you’re grateful for, keep the list accessible. That way you can refer back to it when you’re in need of a gratitude boost.

Reframe Your Thinking

This is a tough one, and it requires some emotional discipline. Here’s an example: say you’re driving down the highway and someone is swerving from lane to lane, going way too fast. They cut you off and you slam on your brakes. What’s your first thought? I guarantee you’re thinking, “What a jerk!”. But what if that person is driving their pregnant wife to the hospital? What if they’ve been out of work for months, had their car break down and are now rushing to a much-needed job interview. What then? Of course, you don’t really know what’s going on with that driver, and they might very well be a jerk. But they might not be. And that little slice of compassion can go a long way.

This is one I also use on my kids regularly. When they keep getting out of bed, or they won’t stop asking to watching something I have to stop for a moment. I give thanks for my two healthy girls and take the briefest of moments to ponder what life would be like without them. Then I return to the situation with renewed calm and generosity.

Read End-of-Life Memoirs

This might not be for everyone, but I’ve read and loved two memoirs written by authors facing terminal illnesses. When Breath Becomes Air is a gut-wrenching book written by a 37-year-old neurosurgery resident who was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. The irony of the situation is poignant, but it’s the author’s thoughts on life and death that make the book so meaningful.

Chasing Daylight was written by Eugene O’Kelly, a CEO who was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 53. After his diagnosis, Eugene set out to create “perfect moments” with his friends and family. This book will touch you to the core and remind you of the gift that is everyday life. The concept of perfect moments from Chasing Daylight has really stuck with me. I mentally freeze my perfect moments and often write them down. I never want to be so rushed by everyday life that I miss those moments.

Appreciate The Beauty Around You

When was the last time you went for a walk, without an agenda? I often walk to lunch and admire the scenery. It’s just a 5 minute walk to another building, but my office campus is gorgeous. I can marvel at the bright blue of the sky and the contrast of the puffy white clouds. I look at the green blades of grass and the rustling leaves in the trees. On a rainy day, I watch the lights reflect in the puddles and see how the leaves hang heavy with water. When it snows, infrequently, I marvel at how the undisturbed snow glitters like a million tiny diamonds.

If you live in a city, maybe it’s not the grass you notice but an unusual building. Maybe it’s not the trees you see, but a person helping another. Wherever you are, look around you. Find things to be grateful for, and hold them in your mind.

Go Ahead, Stare at Your Kids

Please tell me I’m not a creepy mom for doing this. I don’t quite sneak into their rooms at night and sing to them like the mom in Love You Forever. But I do, frequently, stare at my kids. I love to watch their facial expressions and notice the color of their hair. In the curve of their nose, I see my own. In their strides, I see their dad. And occasionally, if I’m really focused, I catch a fleeting expression that looks exactly like a beloved older relative.

So far, my attention doesn’t bother them. But I imagine that might change as they get older. For now, I’ll drink them in every chance I get.

Know that Everyone Has Struggles

The older I get, the more I realize that everyone, everyone has struggles. The only people who don’t experience pain aren’t people you want to emulate. There’s the beautiful girl you always envied in high school who has dyslexia and is painfully embarrassed about it. Your friend, who always seems so pulled together, struggles every day to overcome an abusive childhood. The couple jetting off to exotic locales actually wants nothing more than to be parents.

Of course, I’m not saying that people aren’t happy. I’m saying that you don’t always know what’s happening behind the scenes. People are going to present their best selves on social media and, sometimes, in real-life social situations. You might or might not know what’s truly happening. Once you acknowledge that no one has a perfect life, envy and jealousy will (mostly) leave your heart, to be replaced by patience and grace.

Take Yourself Out of Situations that Force Comparisons

Like I did with the fitness magazines, you might just have to remove yourself from situations where comparisons are damaging your mental health. Chuck that issue of Vogue. Delete Facebook if you have to. Switch to a more inclusive gym. Start running by yourself instead of with the ultra-competitive run club. Whatever you have to do for your mental health, give yourself permission to do it.

Challenge Yourself

You’ll build self-esteem when you overcome challenges. Whether it’s small (talking to someone new at a party) or big (quitting your job to start a business), overcoming an obstacle will leave you with a feeling of self-worth that nothing else can provide. You’ll know that when life gets rough, you can take it. And that has nothing to do with your weight or your wardrobe.

Go Out of the Way for the People You Love

Once you feel gratitude, share it. When you get warm fuzzies seeing your husband play with the kids, tell him. When your kids are extra-polite, thank them. When you can, go above and beyond for your family. Buy a special beer that you know your spouse loves. Make a card for your kid’s backpack. Express how grateful you are for your family through words and deeds, and I guarantee that you’ll strengthen your bonds.

Practice Gratitude Every Day

Gratitude is truly the antidote to feelings of doubt and anxiety. It’s not a skill we’re born with, though. Start incorporating gratitude into your everyday life. You’ll improve your health, your relationships and your happiness!